A mysterious sphere gives everyone the heebee jeebies in the Doctor Who episode “Army of Ghosts.” The reason for this unsettled feeling, scientists explain, is that it isn’t really there in any measurable way. Of course it ends up being nefarious – it is a ship from the void, which is why it can’t be detected, and it ends up being chock full of evil Daleks. When unleashed, they wrack havoc, as Daleks do.
I believe I have a void sphere in my mind. And it is growing bigger. I didn’t even know it was there until recently, but I now realize I have been subconsciously packing it over many years. Month by month, in go all the painful moments that weren’t resolved. The cruelty I couldn’t understand. Despair too deep to perceive completely. It was all too much.
So I have just kept packing and packing, shoving things in like an overstuffed suitcase, and miraculously it all fits. Kind of. Though it leaks a bit. And while I recognize this isn’t healthy (and yes I do have a therapist, although I can’t see her as often as I’d like), I also don’t know how I’d have functioned without it. The sphere has kept me functional.
Lately, however, I’ve noticed the sphere is big. Quite big. Big enough, in fact, that it is crowded in my mind. It looms over everything. I picture myself perhaps like those little blue blobs in Soul, trying to maneuver around it with increasing difficulty. I’m tripping over ideas, squeezing past routines, too crammed in to find anything. The emotional manifestation characters (like in Inside Out) are crammed under the control panel.
Incidentally, I also have a weird messy blob in my ankle, IRL. That one is detectable via MRI, however, so surgery will take care of that one later this year (I hope.) The one in my mind (not brain: mind) is much less easily disposed of – especially since I keep adding to it, day after day. Keep calm and carry on… times a thousand… gives you quite a void sphere. I shudder to think of the number of Daleks in our collective void spheres in the time of COVID.
In my darker moments, I worry the sphere will burst. Daleks will pour forth, laying waste to everything in my mind. That said, we live, we breathe, we move towards vaccines and the inauguration and hope of other kinds. The void sphere has been in my mind for a long time – so long structures have been built around it. There is probably a tablecloth and a mental houseplant on top. But that doesn’t mean it will always be there. As the Doctor later said, “where there’s tears, there’s hope.” As long as there’s a me to perceive it, there’s a me that will one day might just send it back to the void.